Good news: Donald Trump’s doctor says Donald Trump would be the “healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” He’s just that super-healthy.

Over the past 39 years, I am pleased to report that Mr. Trump has had no significant medical problems. Mr. Trump has had a recent complete medical examination that showed only positive results. Actually, his blood pressure, 110/65, and laboratory test results were astonishingly excellent. […] His physical strength and stamina are extraordinary.If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.

It’s a wee bit unnerving how anyone associated with Donald Trump appears to take on Trump’s mannerisms. Trump isn’t just healthy, his health is astonishingly excellent! Extraordinary! He will be the healthiest president in all of history!

So does Donald Trump select these individuals based on how they talk in the first place, or is being a pompous blowhard contagious? If Donald Trump becomes president, is this how press conferences at the Pentagon will go? Our bombs are the most astonishingly excellent at exploding. Nobody else’s bombs explode like ours do. We are winning our war against Canada more than any country has ever won against anybody, that’s how extraordinary our war is.

All right, so we have it from the apparent definitive source on relative presidential health through history, a certain Dr. Harold Bornstein: Donald Trump tops them all. No wooden teeth for Donald Trump: Trump’s teeth could cut down trees and bite through steel. Teddy Roosevelt may have taken a bullet during a stump speech and continued to talk anyway, but Trump’s body would have spit the bullet out with such force that it would have killed the original gunman.

Donald Trump is not just Donald Trump. Donald Trump is President Wolverine, Esq.

There is a bit of a coincidence in all this, though: Donald Trump’s streak of astonishingly excellent extraordinary historically unprecedented good health seems to have come upon him just after the Vietnam War. He received a medical deferment then—true, quite a few of our past presidents served in the military and needed no deferments, but none of those unpleasant people could work a real estate deal even if his favorite silver pen had been left on his desk at an unsatisfactory angle—but once the war had ended, all that ailed him ended as well.

The healthiest, the richest, and the luckiest? Go figure.